


Sickness of the Mind

by Kodi_Prime



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Dreams, Elven Hawke, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mabari, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 04:58:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5992375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kodi_Prime/pseuds/Kodi_Prime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fenris has faith in Hawke's love for him when they are approached by Danarius, but the meeting goes far from how he anticipates. </p><p>Set in the three year break between acts 2 and 3, with an elven Hawke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sickness of the Mind

**Author's Note:**

> I love elves, so I have a head canon of an elven Hawke.  
> This is my first time posting a Dragon Age fanfic, so any advice will be welcome. Thank you :)
> 
> Warning: Contains spoilers from Fenris's Act 3 companion quest, Alone. With quite a few differences.

_"Hold on to it."_ Those had been Hawke's words as he had tied the red token securely around the elf's slim wrist. _"So long as you wear it, everyone will know that my heart belongs to you alone."_ The words had been met with a kiss full of passion and joy and longing from Fenris, the Tevinter delighted at the time. Of course, that had been before the return and subsequent loss of his memories. Before he had stupidly walked out late that same night, convinced that it was too much to take. How he longed for his lover's body in the bed that suddenly seemed too cold, too large. But it was his own fault.

Even so, the words of almost a whole year before had been echoing in his mind as they walked down the winding path along the Wounded Coast. It was just the two of them. Himself and Hawke. They had done things like that once or twice before - small bandit raids where the only other soul with them was Atlantis, Hawke's monstrous mabari. These trips had continued even after that night, and Fenris had been stunned by the fact that the mage seemed to have forgiven him so easily. But he hadn't tried to stop him when Fenris had made his decision clear to him that night. Through his broken heart, he had only ever shown understanding. Not that they had spoken of their relationship since then.

They were near a cliff-edge, at one of the dead end paths, looking at a plant by the path and trying to decide whether or not it was the one they had been asked to gather when it happened.

"Ah, my little Fenris." Both males straightened and turned with a start at the sound of the smooth male voice, Atlantis barking and growling at the stranger. The elf in question didn't even have the presence of mind to reach for his greatsword in his shock as he saw his former master stood down the path, flanked by what must have been twenty heavily armed slavers. The magister looked to Hawke, assessing him for a few moments. "And this is your new master then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive."

"Danarius." The name escaped his chapped lips as a growl full of utter loathing. He didn't reach for his sword yet, but he was ready to as soon as their enemies made their move. "You won't have me." On his own he would have run again, knowing he couldn't take on the odds before him. As it was, he was wary of fighting Danarius without a full party. But at the same time, Hawke's presence at his side filled him with quiet confidence. Hawke loved him. He wouldn't allow him to be taken back by the magister. Together they could win this.

"If you want him, he's yours." 

"What?!" The voice was cold and casual, and Fenris's eyes snapped from Danarius to Hawke immediately. But the dark-haired elf wasn't looking at him, his own silver-grey eyes fixed on the man who had inflicted so much pain. Panic clutched at his heart like a vice, as if Hawke suddenly had a cold hand inside his chest and was slowly squeezing the organ. He wondered if this was how people felt in the moments when he was phasing his own hand right through them.

"Well. This is an interesting development." Fenris was only vaguely aware of the smirk in his former master's voice as he turned fully to his lover, knowing that the desperation and pain was obvious in his face but not caring. He didn't even care as his eyes started watering, too wrapped up around the fact that this was actually _happening_.

"Hawke, please. I _need you_." He told the man, voice low and full of raw emotion that he didn't even bother trying to hide. "Don't do this."

"Atlantis, steady." He barked the command at the great beast of a dog and she faithfully retreated, promptly sitting on the taller man's foot as he turned to glare at Fenris with a look of cold indifference that shook him to the core. "You're on your own, Fenris."

"Elric." Fenris's voice was little more than a whisper now, practically begging as he poured all of his love and grief and betrayal into his voice. But even the rare use of his given name, something that usually filled him with delight, only caused his gaze to harden.

" I don't _want you_." Hawke growled, hand twitching as if he longed to move it to the staff on his back. "In what world could I ever have wanted _you_?!" 

Fenris flinched, and it was in that moment that he felt his heart shatter completely. 

_"I love you."_

Hawke...

_"I'll never let anything hurt you."_

No, this couldn't be happening!

_"My heart belongs to you alone."_

Why?! Why was this happening? What had he done that was so wrong that _Hawke_ \- the man he trusted over all others, the man he _loved_ , had chosen to turn his back on him now in the moment he needed him more than he ever had before?

"Elric, please, I _love you_." There was no freedom that came with saying the words for the first time, no weight lifted from his shoulders as he'd heard from one of Varric's romance stories. Hawke had been trying to teach him to read it, but had somehow only ended up reading half of it to him himself. It had been early days in their reading lessons. "Please don't do this." Tears were falling down his cheeks now, but Hawke merely reached for his hound's collar as she sensed his distress and tried to get to him, the taller elf glaring at Danarius.

"Just take him." There was nothing but impatience in his voice. Fenris was nothing more than a nuisance to him, and he made no effort to hide it as the magister approached, clearly thinking it safe to come close now.

"What shall it be, Fenris? Will you throw your life away?" As he had no doubt suspected, all of the fight had now left the elf, along with any and all motivation. He couldn't hope to take on all of the slavers himself, and there was nowhere to run. He had once thought it would be better if Hawke hated him. But this ... this was too much. He wiped away the tear tracks on his cheeks and turned to Danarius, offering no verbal response but bowing his head to his former ... no, just 'master' again now, in the submissive manner that had been such second nature in Tevinter. How could he live as a free man when the only thing he wanted was now gone? Suddenly it all felt so meaningless.

He went along with Danarius willingly, refusing to look back at his lover as Atlantis emitted a small confused whine followed by several unhappy barks to make her disapproval of the current situation known to the world.

All the while there was a small stubborn voice in the shards that had been left of his heart, letting out only one small word.

Hawke...

No. Hawke had betrayed him.

Hawke.

He had to _forget_ Hawke, it was the only way he might retain some semblance of what had once been sanity.

Hawke!

Shut up shut up shut up! He couldn't take this anymore, he felt like he was going to scream!

"HAWKE!" Just one word, screamed so that his throat was raw, and Fenris was on the move before he could even think straight, panting, ignoring the sweat that drenched him as he tried to adjust his eyes to the sudden darkness, rolling off of his bed and pulling on armour with shaking hands, finding his great sword and taking that too, unbridled terror flooding his mind along with the single thought that he had to _escape_. He had to get as far away from this place as possible.

Hawke. He had to find Hawke. He had to be sure.

_Hawke had betrayed him._

No. He practically fled the mansion, feeling the cold air outside hit tear-stained cheeks he hadn't even realised were there. It wasn't real. It couldn't be. Hawke _loved_ him. He had told him so many times on that night. He didn't care that it was past midnight as he ran down the streets of ... Hightown. Not Tevinter. Getting to Hawke was the only thing on his mind.

"Fenris!" The shouted warning came only a split second before a magical ward was thrown up around him, a sword ricocheting off of the barrier in such a way that he knew the blow would have found his head had it not been there. In the next moment there was a mabari hound on the attacker's back, sinking sharp teeth into his shoulder, not even needing the prompting of her master to know that he was a friend, and he was in danger. Fenris finally thought to draw his greatsword and activate his markings, the ward rippling around him as he charged towards another enemy, cursing himself for noticing only now the small group of bandits who had clearly been waiting to ambush unsuspecting passers-by.

Between them, however, they made short work of the group. The battle over, he held his sword limply at his side as Atlantis gave him a happy bark, and he heard Hawke approaching behind him.

"Where were you off to in such a hurry?" The familiarly comforting gruff voice questioned him, concern heavy in his words. Fenris turned to look up at him, Atlantis burrowing her head against his hip. Judging by the layers of blood on both elf and dog they had been out killing things for a while. He wouldn't be disturbing them then. That was good. He saw the taller male's face twist in alarm and pain. "Fenris..."

He swore in Tevene as he remembered his wet cheeks, turning away again to hide his face and hastening to pull off his spiked gauntlet, wiping away the drying tracks with his bare hand moments before he felt a larger one placed on his shoulder. Hawke didn't coddle him. He never did. Though Fenris was aware that the taller male was probably barely holding himself back from drawing him into his arms and going into hysterics worrying about him.

"I was ... looking for you." He managed finally, pleased that his voice didn't crack, turning back to the mage when he was certain there were no lingering tears on his face. He didn't shake off the hand as he had done once before, grateful for the other elf's offer of companionship.

"Should we go back to the estate?" He asked him softly, glancing around. The streets were empty, but that was no guarantee that their conversation would be unheard. Fenris nodded in agreement, and walked ahead on his own, back straight. Hawke didn't try to stop him, merely following his former lover to the door of the Hawke estate, Atlantis right on his heel.

Once inside Fenris stood for a moment, blinking in the sudden light from the inexplicably (or maybe not, considering Hawke's magic) stoked fire just past the foyer, and Hawke saw in the light that his eyes were red and swollen from crying. His stomach clenched and he gritted his teeth. How he longed to give a slow painful death to Danarius and everyone else who had harmed the smaller elf.

"I apologise." Fenris told him suddenly, his back to him still. "You shouldn't have had to see me so weak."

"You're not weak, Fenris." Hawke told him firmly as Atlantis decided to approach the elf. Stood in front of him she rested her jaw against him so that she was looking up at his face. Considering her size this this put her head squarely on his chest, and he looked down at her as if exchanging some kind of telepathic conversation with the hound, his bare hand moved up to scratch her ears. "You've been through so much, and it became too much to deal with. It happens." He took a few steps towards the elf's still turned back before he caught himself. Fenris didn't like sudden touches, he'd learned early on in their friendship. "Maker, Fenris, if I'd been through half of what you have I'd have given up years ago." He bit his lip before continuing, but gave his next words anyway, his voice taking on a much softer tone. "You don't have to go through this alone, Fen."

The smaller elf turned to him sharply then, green eyes meeting his own, and Hawke was stunned to see the vulnerability in them. Fenris was allowing his walls to fall in a way he had never done before, even on the night that they had made love.

Finally, he began to speak, describing first the vivid dream he had had, and going on to admit the lingering distress and fear that had been left in its wake. Hawke had never known him bare his heart in such a way.

"Fenris..." Was somehow all he could say when the ex-slave had finished speaking. They'd migrated to the bench in the foyer, and Atlantis was sat with her head on Fenris's knee, the two elves taking turns scratching her ears, comforted by her bulky presence. Fenris was refusing to look at him now, his green eyes focused on the mabari. Hawke gently moved his fingers to his lover's chin. He didn't force him to meet his gaze, merely applying a light guide that he had every right to refuse should he so wish. Fenris resisted for a moment, hesitating, before allowing this movement, meeting his eye. Hawke's voice was firm and honest when he continued. "Fenris, I swear to you, and I'll swear it to you every day for the rest of our lives if you ask me to: I will never let Danarius take you. If he or anyone else wants you they'll have to go through me first. You'll never be a slave again, not so long as I'm alive."

Fenris emitted a small whimper and pulled Hawke into a tight hug, burying his face into the crook of his neck while the larger elf rubbed his back firmly, reassuring him that he was there; he wasn't going anywhere.

"Thank you, Elric." The elf eventually told him sincerely, pulling away.

"Would you like to stay here for the night?" Hawke asked him, offering him a small smile. Fenris hesitated. He didn't want to be any more of a burden than he had already been, but the thought of making the walk back to his dark, empty mansion and facing his demons alone was one he viewed with dread. He gave a small uncertain nod of agreement. He would stay, if just for the night, the same way he should have stayed before. He fell asleep in the arms of the man he loved, Atlantis stretched out on the bed on his other side with her head on his shoulder, and for the rest of the night, there were no nightmares.

 

It would be a lie for Fenris to say that over the next two years he never doubted Hawke's promise to him. But the mage reminded him of it every day, if not through words then with actions. In the way he would accompany him home to his mansion after every outing just to reassure himself that he was home safely. The 'I love you's whispered into his hair if he ever had reason to be closer to him. Never trying to trying to push him to renew their relationship, but reminding him that he was there for as long as he needed him to be.

On the day Fenris told him of his sister, Hawke agreed to go immediately.

 _"Give him back and I'll give you power in the Imperium that you could never believe. I'll have my property returned, either way."_ Danarius's words had filled him with cold fear and panic. But Hawke hadn't even hesitated as he stepped in front of him, staff ready by his side, thrumming with barely contained anger and magical energy.

_"Over my dead body."_

He'd kept his promise. He wouldn't allow the magister to take him - he never would. Fenris drew his greatsword from his back. By his side, Varric readied Bianca while Aveline slipped into a battle stance. None of them would allow him to be taken. 

The battle was only just beginning, and there was still the niggling question of what to do about Varania. But in that moment, there was a part of Fenris that felt that he had already won.


End file.
